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Meanwhile, your tuition went up
Most universities in the U.S. are storied institutions with a legacy of shaping young minds to create the world we know today. And if there’s one thing that could destroy their reputations, it’s using...
View ArticleHome Invasion, animal style
The war against our multi-legged enemies continues. Just when we thought we were making ground, the animals begin their invasion plots and in our most sacred areas! Not a place is safe! Brown recluses...
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Sasquashed
When faced with a Bigfoot in the middle of the highway at night, Missourians know exactly what must be done: run it over. This is a war with animals, which means that no human-animal hybrids may be...
View ArticleWho would’ve thought booze and alcohol would be bad paired together?
For those that didn’t catch Savages in the theater, allow me to sum it up for you: it’s not good. Oh sure, it’s got some moments, it’s got Salma Hayek in thoroughly unattractive haircut, it’s even got...
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What the smurf ‘smurfing’ means
“We cook my way this time, Jesse Smurf. Or I walk.” At long last — after 55 smurfing years of Smurf comics, cartoons and dolls — we finally know what the smurf those smurfing Smurfs were smurfing...
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You Missed It: Red eye edition
His heart burns for you as much as his eyes burn in general. It’s February, that means that your single friends won’t stop complaining about being single, and your friends in relationships keep posting...
View ArticlePinkberry, pink cadillacs and now pink arms
Ah, college. At some schools, you get the most unmotivated students around the world, and at other campuses, you get some of the most independently motivated people in history. Washington University...
View ArticleHeeeeeeeep-A! Yum!
The restaurant chain Red Robin is known for burgers. If you go to a Red Robin, you can get a burger. Red Robin is not known for hepatitis A. If you go to a Red Robin, you should not get hepatitis A....
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You Missed It: Martial law edition
Farewell. I always thought “Death to Smoochy” was underrated. Robin Williams died this week. There’s no punchline. He took his own life for some reason, widely suspected to be related to his battle...
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Egypt unleashes new caustic weapons on U.S.
“As you can clearly see, President Obama, I am rubber. And the U.N. has declared that you are, in fact, glue.” Just when the world thought we could rule out Egypt from starting sh*t with the U.S.,...
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You Missed It: End of 2014 edition
I’m not eager to do this, and you shouldn’t be, either. We’ve reached the end of the year. I know, I didn’t think we’d make it, either. We found new reasons every day to get mad at each other online....
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When life gives Earth Nazis, pray for intelligence elsewhere
It’s easier to argue for keeping your empire and other countries’ antiquities if aliens built their stuff. Noted booze-hound, insult comic and occasional Prime Minister of the U.K., Winston Churchill...
View ArticleMo. town overtaken by naked, barking people
The people of Sullivan, Missouri know how to party. There may not be much to do in the small town, but locals make their own fun. According to police, a group of people ran through the streets barking...
View ArticlePower company officials just don’t understand
You know how you’ll sometimes hear rappers requesting people to turn up many things, such as bass lines or headphones, while recording? On rare occassions, they may even ask for these things in a live...
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There are nicer ways to tip
Steve Wilson, who makes his living by picking up other people’s dog poop, stuck pay turd recently. While cleaning up after some lazy pet owner’s mutt, he found $58 packed in pure, American dog s#@t. He...
View ArticleIt’s the age old question
But now you’ll know the answer. How do you take down a 300 pound chimpanzee? Use tranquilizer darts. Lots and lots of tranquilizer darts. Mind you, it’s not quite as effective and efficient as we would...
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‘Abortion Showdown’ this Friday!
Friday! FRIDAY! FRIDAY! The federal court in Kansas City presents Abortion Showdown! Two clinics, one state, new regulations! For the first time in an American court, two abortion clinics will combine...
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Holding out for a Big Galloot
The Guys and Bonnie Tyler agree with today’s Headline of the Day: where have the Big Galloots gone? For those of you who don’t special order your underwear, the “Big Galloots” are a pair of men’s...
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Meanwhile, your tuition went up
Most universities in the U.S. are storied institutions with a legacy of shaping young minds to create the world we know today. And if there’s one thing that could destroy their reputations, it’s using...
View ArticleHome Invasion, animal style
The war against our multi-legged enemies continues. Just when we thought we were making ground, the animals begin their invasion plots and in our most sacred areas! Not a place is safe! Brown recluses...
View Article